After the Affair - Part 2
By: Michael Hadfield
What is left? The deed has been discovered. The deceit is out in the open. The affair is, maybe, over.
What next?
Stay or go?
Attempt to repair the damage, or start a new life alone?
One of the difficulties of this time is the challenge of being able to think clearly. As soon as thoughts return to the state of the relationship, the emotions kick in and clarity falls by the wayside.
There is of course the past – the good times, the memories, the gifts, the children, the mementoes, the accumulations of the passage through time of two people and all they collect together. Is it worth throwing THAT all away for a moment, or a year, or two, of madness and indiscretion. After all he’s weak-minded, the temptation was there, she threw herself at him… what else could you expect to happen.
And there’s the future – the growing old together, the holidays and adventures and romance still imagined… the kids growing up, the grandchildren… why sacrifice all of those dreams, after all he says he’s sorry and it won’t happen again?
And there’s the present – the shame, having to endure those sympathetic looks, the sudden silences when you walk into a room, going shopping with the whole world knowing you failed to keep your man.
None of that matters.
That doesn’t mean that those things aren’t important to you. If something is important to you then it is important. But just because something is important doesn’t mean it matters. What matters is you feeling okay about yourself and your world as soon as possible.
You have choices to make and you don’t know what to do for the best.
You’ve been betrayed and you want to believe it won’t happen again but 5 or 10 years ago you’d have heard it would never happen ever.
The mistake is to believe that you can make a wrong decision.
You can make decisions that don’t bring about what you want. After all you did make a choice to enter into a long-term agreement with your partner wanting long-term happiness together – didn’t you?
So you make choices based on the idea that the choice will bring you what you want. The difficulty here is that you haven’t decided what you want. So that’s a priority here. You have to decide what you want. One of the difficulties that some women encounter is knowing what they want. This is difficult because many many women spend their lives giving themselves away. They give themselves body and soul to their partners, they give themselves to their children, they end up responsible for the care of elderly parents and maybe other aging, isolated relatives, but they very rarely give as much care to themselves as they do to others. This is wonderful. There is nothing nicer than having someone care for you in a loving way when you need someone to do that. But what happens in the mind of someone who is always looking after the needs of others is that they neglect themselves. I’m not talking here of appearance, or nutrition, I’m talking about feeling as if life is fulfilling; feeling important; feeling as if you are valued and appreciated.
Because of this the decision as to what exactly you do want, right now, at this very difficult moment in your life, can seem beyond your ability to make. The very act of thinking about you and your needs immediately brings on associated thoughts of how this choice will affect the children, the parents, the friends, the partner and so on. And there is this huge and very loving desire to minimise the hurt to anyone else, even if that means sacrificing yourself.
So your first choice is to decide whether or not you’re ok with continuing to sacrifice yourself and your needs and put others first. If you are ok with that then the problem is solved. Just do whatever your partner wants you to do. Do whatever it takes to minimise the impact on family members. If you totally and genuinely make this choice you will be okay because you have decided to have no needs and no desires and no wants and that will make your life very simple. If you make this choice because it avoids making any other then you will not be okay.
If you have made the choice not to sacrifice yourself any longer, and to live a life that feels fulfilling, then you are ready for the next step.
Michael J. Hadfield MBSCH is a registered clinical hypnotherapist. You can experience his unique style on a popular range of hypnosis CD’s and tapes at http://www.hypnosisiseasy.com Here you can also obtain treatment for a variety of problems and explore his approach to health, healing, and hypnosis.