Approval - You Don’t Need It
By: Petra Rankin
Yesterday, after receiving a massage to help ease my
computer-aided muscle tension, I was described as an
over-achiever. That got me thinking about value-laden language
and what it really means.
These kinds of labels can sneak into our thinking very quickly.
So what is an over-achiever anyway, or an under-achiever for
that matter? (or overweight, underweight, overemotional.. etc).
They are a subjective description described as a fact (because
if you are over or under something it must be measurable,
right?).
What it means is not that you have achieved too much, too
little, or spent too much time at the computer (although, I
agree that I should sit with a better posture), but that the
person who said the comment has a different interpretation of
what it means to be an achiever.
Someone who always looks to others for approval must feel like
a yoyo. Who could ever keep up with the expectations of
everyone else? What one person considers too much, another
person may consider too little, so how can you keep everyone
happy?
I don’t believe you can. But I used to believe I could - and
not only did it not work, but I made myself unhappy in the
process.
These days, I think the best way to interpret other people’s
comments is that when they say ‘You are too…’ or ‘You are
a…’ they actually mean ‘I prefer to…’. For example, if
someone says ‘You are over-emotional’ they most likely mean ‘I
prefer to share fewer emotions’. Or if someone says ‘You are
over-excited’ they probably mean ‘I prefer not to get so
excited’.
Now you might be thinking that someone you know really is ‘too
selfish’ or ‘too uncaring’ and that they should change. But
really, you just prefer to be more giving or more caring, and
your behaviour towards that person is your own responsibility.
So next time someone comments on your behaviour, treat it like
a game. Rather than feeling like you have to change yourself or
that you have not been approved, rephrase their sentences in
the ‘I prefer…’ model. And if you find yourself accidentally
imposing your values on others, make some effort to speak more
clearly about what you prefer for yourself. You will enjoy much
better communication as a result!
(C) Copyright Petra Rankin 2005
Petra Rankin used powerful techniques to beat her own long-term
depression. She is now dedicated to teaching others how to be
happier and lead more successful lives. Her first book Fast Track
Your Success and Happiness is due to be launched in
September 2005 and is currently available for download as a free e-book instead of paying $19.95. Limited time only!