Conflict with Your Ex? Reflections on Relationships
By: Amy Barnes
We often try to coerce or manipulate the other into seeing our point of view. Staying in conflict with your ex keeps you from healing and will also have detrimental effects on your children. We each have the ability to move on and to reduce the level of conflict in our lives. Most importantly we have the ability to heal ourselves. Our healing is not dependent on what someone else does or does not do. Taking responsibility for your own life is empowering. This may also feel overwhelming and scary. We may continue blaming others for our current plight in life to avoid accepting responsibility for our own actions.
Asking for help when you need it is a healthy behavior. Responsible people are willing to ask for help. Codependent people are not. Ultimately you are responsible for your own healing. You are responsible for what you do with your life and the kind of person you are. You are responsible for the kind of people you invite into your life. Your life is not the responsibility of your ex or of your friends. Most importantly your life and well being are not the responsibility of your children. Children need to be allowed to be children. They are NEVER no matter what their age, responsible for your divorce or for any adult decision you make.
Developing a healthy relationship with your ex is beneficial to both you and your children. First be clear and realistic about who you are and what you are willing and not willing to do. If you are clear in your mind and willing to stick to what you say, you will no longer be controlled or manipulated by others. Others may choose how they wish to react to what you do or say. You cannot control what they do or how they react. You can only control your part of the interaction.
Second, you may either choose to be right or have a sense of peace and happiness, not both. You have to choose. Holding on to anger and bitterness hurts only you and your children, not your ex. Acknowledging your part in what caused the break up and forgiving your ex are for your benefit, not theirs.
Third, for the sake of your children eliminating conflict with your ex. Continued conflict has been shown to have very negative impact on the development of children. You have the power to do that. If stopping your part of the conflict seems impossible or difficult, it’s okay to ask for help. This may be a good time to seek the help of a therapist who deals with relationship and divorce issues. Be clear with your children, particularly older children, what you are willing or not willing to do or to provide for them. For all children regardless of their age, children need access to both parents. Do not talk badly about your ex.
Many long term studies have shown that children of divorce thrive best when they have two loving parents who are both active and involved in their lives and the conflict between their parents is minimized. Children also have the right to love each of their parents equally instead of being forced to choose sides. Choose peace for your sake and for your children. The best gift you can give your child is the freedom to love both parents.
Barnes’ diverse background includes a seminary degree in Marriage and Family Therapy and Pastoral Counseling and a license as a Mental Health Counselor providing a foundation for her extensive experience and training in marriage counseling.
Barnes has taught divorce recovery programs for six years and has written numerous articles on relationships and divorce as well as given a variety of talks and led workshops on divorce and relationships.
With a focus is on relationships, both personal and professional, Ms. Barnes is considered a gentle, compassionate listener who assists individuals, couples and families in finding practical solutions. She helps people develop their own strengths and find greater possibilities and options for their lives. For more information go to: http://www.lifeoptions.us