How You Can Avoid Bad Relationships and Find Your One True Love
By: Bryan Knight
Do you find ‘decent’ men boring and ‘creeps’ exciting?
Then you’re among the majority. But, as you’ve learned, creeps make for disastrous relationships.
So why are you attracted to them? The short answer is that although you live in the 21st century, your basic biology and psychology are still Stone Age. So you (unconsciously) look for a ‘tough guy’ to protect you and your children from the sabre-toothed tigers.
This article — based on my four decades as a psychotherapist and 25 years of marriage to a wonderful woman — will show you how to choose the right man.
Before you can choose wisely you need to know how to avoid a bad relationship.
You may dismiss the Solution as too simple — or too difficult. But put it into practice and you
will find your ideal man.
The Solution is:
To listen, and
To know yourself.
Read on for the details on How You Can Avoid Bad Relationships and Find Your One True Love.
I’ve explained the process under the following headings:
Five Signs of a Bad Relationship
Nine Warning Signals
The Perfect Partner
The Solution (in detail)
Causes of Relationship Dissatisfaction
Seven Ways to Develop Self-Respect
Protecting Yourself From a Bad Relationship
Five Signs of a Bad Relationship
1. The relationship is not satisfying to you.
2. You don’t feel right about the other person.
3. You would prefer being with someone else.
4. Your self-respect is being damaged.
5. Your senses of humour are mismatched.
Perhaps you laugh at something which doesn’t even draw
a smile from him. If this only happens once in a while it
is not significant.
But if you frequently find yourself horrified at what he
considers funny, or he rarely laughs when you do,
watch out. This is a major sign of incompatibility.
It does not mean that one of you is wrong and the other is
right.
It does indicate differences in temperament and values
that could be a chasm ultimately too wide to bridge.
If you feel diminished in any way you know you are in a
bad relationship.
Examples of disrespect are:
your partner laughs at you,
sneers at your accomplishments,
is indifferent to your work,
denigrates women,
is unpunctual with you,
ignores your opinions,
is constantly critical,
is unfaithful, or
hits you.
You know you’re dissatisfied when you’re often thinking
of someone else … especially if you’re making unfavourable
comparisons between the current partner and the other
person.
Unfortunately, it’s often the case that in a woman’s
imagination the other man is a Super Guy, but in
reality he is another Creep.
And just as you don’t feel right with your current man,
the object of your fantasy will likely prove no better; that
is, until you know yourself more thoroughly.
Until you’re aware of what attracts you to creeps.
For instance, part of the attraction a woman has for a
man married to someone else is the excitement and
danger inherent in an illicit liaison.
And that he has already betrayed a woman’s trust.
Why would a woman be attracted to such a man?
Social biology tells us it’s because historically women have
sought out rough, tough men to protect them and their
babies.
The socio-biology of men tells us that they are
programmed to spread their genes as widely as possible. You might say the urge to be unfaithful is inbred. Compliant women, content to provide sex, comfort
and child-raising, were therefore preferred as mates.
Another reason many women are drawn to men who are
not good for them is low self-esteem, especially the
conviction that “I’m nothing without a man.”
And this is despite the supposed liberation of women
during recent decades.
This is not to deny the joys of being part of a couple. But
I do suggest that to enjoy a good relationship a woman has
to respect herself first and have her own distinct identity.
Gone are the days when a woman could feel fulfilled by
simply being an appendage to a man, satisfied with
reflected glory of his status or achievements.
There are men who resist blind obedience to
biology. When they’ve chosen wisely and appropriately, they
remain faithful.
Perhaps a relationship feels bad because you are, in the man’s
view, not compliant
enough. Or he’s bored because you are too compliant.
When you seriously apply the Solution to yourself you’ll
see if compliance or non-compliance is an issue. Or perhaps you are
choosing men who avoid their own vulnerabilities by focussing on
what’s wrong with you.
Nine Warning Signals
1. “He’s O.K. but…”
A nagging doubt about some particular aspect of the
partner’s personality or behaviour should set off alarm
bells:
“He’s O.K. but he does lose his temper when he
drinks…”,
“He’s O.K. but I wish he would spend less time with his
mother and more time with me”…
“He’s O.K. but his super neatness gets to me…”
“He’s O.K. but that laugh of his can be irritating…”
“He’s O.K. but he’s so indecisive…”
“He’s O.K. but he’s a bit too flirtatious around other
women . . .”
If the doubt arises from something you cannot or will not
tolerate, the relationship is doomed. (That might be your
fault, not the other person’s. Perhaps you are unrealistic
in your desire for a “perfect” person).
2. “He’ll change…”
No one changes unless they want to. And can. That you
believe he should change, or that you can bring about that
change, is a prescription for disaster.
3. “I’ll change” is even worse, unless the change is
something you truly want.
Despite her misgivings, one of my clients acquiesced to her
man’s insistence that she enlarge her breasts. Implants
were not something she felt right about.
She sacrificed her better judgement, suffered physical
discomfort and risked her health by agreeing to change
herself for him.
It was a waste.
Not being true to herself caused her inner turmoil and, of
course, adversely affected the relationship.
Subsequently, the superficial fellow left her for a woman
with even larger, but natural, breasts.
4. He or she doesn’t accept your kids.
Divorced or widowed people with children have a built-in
radar: their children. Your relationship is bound to be
difficult if the man you’re dating does not accept them.
This is not to say that the children should be able to veto
your romantic life. You have to exercise adult judgement
to make a distinction between the kids’ natural reluctance to
accept a parent-substitute and their possible sensitivity to
unacceptable aspects of his personality.
5. Initial excitement: “This is the one.”
Despite (or because of) the Hollywood
myth, instant attraction with ringing bells and stomach
flutters is more likely to end in disappointment than a
long-term romance.
(One of the advantages of online dating is that you can
take your time
to get to know the man before meeting him in person).
While some instant attractions go beyond transient lust,
most are doomed precisely because they are based in
superficiality.
When you get to know the person as the complex
individual he really is, you may find your attraction
wanes.
Perhaps you discover that he, too, is abusive, just like the
previous men in your life. Or that he nags you just like your
mother used to.
Subconsciously that’s what attracted you. We seek
the familiar.
6. Money arguments
It is hard to reconcile contrary views towards money.
It is clear that if one of you worships money and the other
despises it, your relationship is likely to be rocky.
It’s not so much the money issue itself, but that this
difference points to the likelihood of other profound,
perhaps irreconcilable, differences in values.
7. Disdain
Run as far as you can from any lover who treats you
with disdain.
To put up with such behaviour is to reinforce your own
identity as a victim.
Not only will you therefore feel unhappy while you endure
the relationship, but ultimately you’ll be dumped for an
even more willing victim.
8. He’s irritable with people in general.
This is a sign of some deep trouble within him. Or his
irritability might have a biological cause. If he takes
action (rather than making vague promises) to correct
his irritability, then your bad relationship could possibly
be redeemed.
9. You are a control freak
Actually, if he enjoys being controlled, then you’ll have a
good relationship. But it’s more likely that he will eventually
resent you directing his life.
The Perfect Partner
No one is perfect. Nevertheless, an imperfect man can
be ideal for you.
Indeed, that is precisely your task: to avoid a bad
relationship you need to develop a relationship that is good
for both partners, despite your imperfections.
To this end you must ask:
What do you consider perfection?
How many or what imperfections can you accept?
How do your own imperfections affect the relationship?
What you consider perfect arises from your personal set of
values.
If, for instance, you are looking to land a
rich husband, then perfection in a man would presumably
rest mostly on how wealthy he is.
For his part, a man might be looking for a so-called “trophy wife”, a
woman who is strikingly beautiful.
In both these examples, the superficial nature of what
constitutes perfection could lead the respective man and
woman into a relationship that would seem at the outset
to be perfect.
But without other matching values, this would ultimately
be a bad relationship.
Similarly, what or how many imperfections you are
willing to accept in the other person also rests on your
values.
Most of the time you are not aware of your values. But
they exist within you like a ladder.
On the first rung are things you are somewhat concerned
about and the items rise in importance as you climb up
the ladder to those values that you hold most dear.
“Imperfection” is a label for something you disapprove of.
Which rung of the ladder most closely matches the
imperfection(s) of the other person defines how serious an
impact it will have on your relationship.
Take Alice, who always swore she could never date, let
alone marry, a man who smoked cigars. That was until
she met Larry, who owns a cigar store.
Or Janice, who is a vegan (a vegetarian who eats only
plants, not even dairy products). When she met
Jim she didn’t know until their third date that he not
only enjoyed dairy products but chicken and fish, too.
Or Serena, who agreed with Luc, her husband-to-be, that
neither of them wanted to have children. But secretly
Serena did want a child and was delighted when she
became pregnant.
How “good” or “bad” do you think these relationships
turned out to be?
The irony in seeking a mate is that you may be so
busy stating what you want in a man that you
ignore or disparage your own personality.
You may take no note of unique characteristics of yours
that irritate potential partners.
Conversely, you may unjustly put yourself down as being
undeserving of a good relationship.
Copyright © 1995-2006 Bryan M. Knight, MSW, PhD.
To discover The Solution to avoiding a bad relationship and to finding your One True Love,
ask Dr Knight for Part Two of this article. There’s no charge and you’ll receive Part Two
as an email attachment.
Send your request to drknight@hypnosis.org
Bryan M. Knight, MSW, PhD., is the author of several books, including “Enjoying Single Parenthood”, “The People Paradox”, and “Health and Happiness with Hypnosis”.
He is Canada’s foremost hypno-psychotherapist. His pioneering website is “Hypnosis Headquarters” at http://hypnosis.org.