Lonely for Old Friends? Were They Really Your Friends?
By: Shirley Ann Parker
Not a person alive has kept in touch with all the friends they’ve had, unless they haven’t really lived. If they’ve kept pretty much to themselves for many years, it’s possible they still have close ties to some of the best friends they had in high school, but no one else. So what are the rest of us supposed to do, when people we thought were friends just move on?
If they just stop calling or visiting us, we can suppose we might have said or done something to offend them, whether it seemed like an offense to us or not. If they offer no explanation, we can only surmise they’ve found someone more exciting to be around, perhaps someone with more money to throw about, or more ability to provide the right connections in a gain-oriented society. Maybe they’ve encountered someone else to share amusements that we no longer enjoy, have outgrown, or didn’t fancy in the first place.
Perhaps we come with “too much baggage” and they’re overburdened with worries of their own at this time. We might be suffering through unemployment or disability, and they’re afraid we might ask them for a loan. In any of these cases, a silent prayer for their future comfort and satisfaction can send them on their way into their own uncertainty. Or a muttered Good riddance! can do the same thing, depending on the depth of the wound inflicted. Yet harboring resentment will corrode our souls more than theirs, though their consciences will trouble them from time to time.
On the other hand, if they’ve physically moved for employment or other reasons, it can be a definite burden to keep in touch. At the very least, it requires motivation, followed by effort to do so. The friends who’ve endured the move have a long period of adjustment to negotiate, no matter how long the dream has been in coming. One party may be in a much stronger position to keep the lines of communication open than the other, but “one-way friendships” tend to grow hollow. Are they the ones writing all the letters or sending all the e-mails?
Nowadays, with cheap long distance rates and near-universal access to e-mail in a civilized country, there’s little excuse for elastic silences, not where there’s genuine caring and motivation to keep in touch. Even so, people continue to grow and develop by the hour, and in the course of doing just that, encounter new hobbies, interests, and responsibilities that occupy much of their time. Sometimes, folks just get sidetracked by the very real demands of living, trying to keep up with an endless list of the maintenance chores of life. People drift apart without meaning to.
If people have inherited a windfall of some kind, maintaining the ties with old friends becomes extremely difficult for a number of reasons. As we might expect, friends we didn’t know we had will come out of the woodwork on hearing such news! Not to mention the suddenly mushy relatives who haven’t given us the time of day in years. Windfalls bring trials as well as blessings, needing to be handled from the start with caution and professional advice.
Early on, those receiving the additional income usually need to move to a different neighborhood for safety reasons, and to maintain a semblance of privacy, to which we’re all entitled anyway. Jealous old friends and family may feel resentment and will undoubtedly make sarcastic comments, especially if they don’t receive “their share” promptly or ever. They may send begging letters that are worse than those received from a thousand new charities. Finally, the newly wealthy individual will be expected to foot the bill every time he/she goes to lunch or dinner, or to a show with old friends. If that’s what the person wants to do, fine, but to be obligated to do so is a drag. It will also drain funds faster than a reckless spouse with a credit card.
Were they really friends? And what are we supposed to do when they move on? It’s been my experience that some friendships are meant to be transitional. Some friends are sent to us simply to help us over some of the rougher roads in life, or across the more terrifying suspension bridges. We can be grateful they were there, when we would otherwise have been alone. Friends who turned out to be disloyal can be forgotten, while we cherish those genuine people who remain in our lives. Looking forward, we can remember to extend a hand of friendship to the many new souls who will come into our lives, now and in the future, a hand of friendship whose partner contains no ulterior motive.
© 2002 Shirley Ann Parker Reprinted from The Corner Desk
Shirley Ann Parker is a full-time technical writer, and the author of Discoveries: A Journey Through Life and other works of fiction. Visit her website at http://www.shirleyannparker.com to read more about her work, or buy Discoveries at http://www.bbotw.com and other online bookstores. Additional creative endeavors can be found at http://www.cafeshops.com/topazcoveplus