Overcoming the Power of Limerence
By: Robin Henry
I’ve been around a while and always thought infatuation was the domain of the very young and somewhat silly. After all, didn’t I have several infatuations when I was 15 or 17? First, there was the girl in a mining company office where I had my first job. She was two years my senior, but sophisticated well above her years. Then there was my friend’s mother, 26 years older. And over the ensuing year or two, a couple of others. Then of course, I grew up.
Once I began having real relationships the very idea of infatuation seemed like a childish pastime. That is until just recently when I fell victim to what I later found is called “limerence”, a much more mature form of involuntary infatuation.
You see, there is this woman at work whom I was attracted to not long after we first met. She’s very much younger that me and I realised that there was no real opportunity for a meaningful relationship, especially since I’m not only too old for her, I’m also married.
I would have been happy with a platonic relationship if only I could have spent some time with her and been friends. In fact, my feelings for her were less physical and more about what I perceived as her youthful, exhuberent, lovely personality. And her intelligence. I thought she was great to be around and she made me happy when we were together.
Then I began waking up early only to have her in my thoughts. I’d think of her on and off during every day and when I saw her it was like my dreams had come true … at least when she talked to me. I couldn’t believe that this young lady had taken control of my thoughts with absolutely no knowledge or intention on either her behalf or mine. That’s part of what limerence is. What limerence does, even to much older, mature people.
I had never heard the term limerence, but stumbled upon it during my research to find a solution.
(See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence for full details).
During the last week or so, I have come to see the young lady who is my “limerent object” for what she really is and thus find a solution. She’s self-centered, very much a loner, has few friends, and isn’t as friendly as I had thought. In fact, she is moody and may well be relationship averse (even platonic relationships). I asked myself, how had I managed to see this person through rose colored glasses and get swept away? I still don’t know the answer.
What I do know is that having looked at the real person and not the make believe person whom I thought she was, is a cure from the tiring pull of limerence.
If you are ever unlucky enough to be caught in the limerence trap this is what you need do: Take a closer look at your limerent object and see if he or she really is the God-like human being of your dreams whom you have placed on a pedestal. It may be the best cure there is.
Copyright 2006 Robin Henry
Robin Henry is an educator, human resources specialist and Internet entrepreneur. He helps home-based businesses and individuals improve performance by applying smart technology and processes and developing personally. He runs his business Desert Wave Enterprises from his home base at Alice Springs in Central Australia, although at present he is on temporary assignment in the United Arab Emirates.