Protect Your Child from Sex Offenders—Practice Appropriate Suspicion
By: Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, PhD
The unbelievable truth is that within sex offender’s pathology they do not hold beliefs reflecting society’s moral and ethical values. Because of a child’s innocence and trust of the abuser, usually pressure or violence is not required. Thus, sex offenders can unequivocally state, “Never ever. I could never harm a child or anyone. It’s not in my heart. It’s not who I am.” Michael Jackson 1993.
Sex offenders generally pass lie detector tests. They feel no inner conflict with what they have done. Their moral and ethical values do not reflect the standards on which the test is based. If you have the slightest cause for concern, trust your intuition and seek professional intervention. Trusting and acting on your intuition or sixth sense is paramount to protecting children from sex offenders.
When your intuitive/sixth sense has been activated regarding danger, it can be identified by physiological changes. The most common are:
• Heart rate increase
• A sense one’s blood is draining out/cold rush
• Sweaty palms
• Goose bumps
• Nervousness/anxiousness
• Butterflies in stomach
• Feeling sick/hollowness in the stomach
• A general sense of uneasiness
In addition your intuition is in operation when you experience:
• Confusion regarding a person’s actions
• Nagging/persistent thoughts—‘W hat is going on?’
• Hesitation
• General suspicion
• Apprehension
• Fear
• Doubt
• A hunch
• Curiosity regarding a person’s actions or statements
• Questions regarding a person’s proclamation that is not substantiated by their actions
Although, the intuition process can protect us from danger, it is only as effective as we heed the warning signals. Understandably, no one wants to believe his/her spouse or anyone whom one trusts would harm, much less sexually abuse, a child. However, the reality is—the overwhelming majority of children are sexually abused by their father, followed statistically in this abuse by uncles, or grandfathers. Stepfathers who abuse their stepchildren constitute the third largest percentage of sex offenders.
If you fail to heed your intuitive signals you will then accept its diabolic competitor, the denial process. Denial protects us from what we do not want to know. Denial eliminates the discomfort of accepting the horrific reality we do not want to acknowledge. As with intuition, denial prompts recognizable signals. If you detect these signals within yourself, you can stop and ask yourself an empowering and powerful question: “What am I stopping myself from knowing?”
Signals of denial:
• Accepting the person’s explanation about their behavior opposed to your intuition
• Minimizing what you know to be true
• Justifying someone’s behavior
• Rationalizing someone’s behavior
• Refusal to believe what you know to be true
• Excuse making
One mother recalled her four-year old daughter’s behavior when she came home after running errands with her father. He had bought her a stuffed rabbit—nothing unusual. This mother was shocked when her daughter threw the rabbit on the floor, stating, “I don’t want a rabbit.” This behavior was uncharacteristic; she loved stuffed animals. “What is wrong?” this mother asked.
Upon questioning, she discovered her daughter was upset because she was asked by her father to ‘do something’ in order to be rewarded with a toy. This mother questioned what, ‘do something’ meant. [She refused to accept her daughter’s statement as merely a moody child’s statement.] Her daughter could not explain what she meant. Fortunately her mother did not negate this seemingly innocuous incident and conversation. She continued to investigate, even though her husband’s casual explanation of their daughter’s rejection of the stuffed toy was just a moody child. [She did not accept her husband’s explanation about the situation opposed to her intuition.] She kept her intuitive antenna alert for several weeks. Ultimately, she discovered to her shock and horror her husband was sexually touching and fondling their daughter.
A woman reported seeing her father (her perpetrator) kiss her one-year old niece on the pubic area after her niece took a bath. “I got sick to the stomach, is this sexual abuse?” she asked. “I don’t know if I am overreacting [refusal to believe her intuitive signal—feeling sick to the stomach—was valid.] He probably doesn’t know that what he is doing is wrong [excuse-making]. He probably thinks he is just being affectionate [justification]. If I say anything, they will say I am overreacting and causing trouble [rationalizing]. I have always been called the trouble maker in the family. I don’t want to be the trouble maker” [Justification].
A 39-year old client who sought therapy because of a severe panic attack remembered being fondled by a ‘nice man,’ who was a family friend. “He fondled my breast real fast, so it can’t be a problem [minimizing].” She told her mother at the time, her mother said, “He probably didn’t mean to touch you [excuse making].”
A mother recalled a ‘tickle’ game her husband played with their 3-year-old son. Her husband took off his clothes except his under shorts. The son was instructed to tickle his father’s nipples while sitting in a straddled position over his father’s nude midriff. The object of the game was to make his daddy laugh. “I feel nauseous when I see it—is this sexual abuse she asked [refusal to believe what her intuition is telling her]?” “Besides what can I do, [justification] it is only my word against his [rationalization]? What if he doesn’t mean any harm [excuse-making]?” “May be he doesn’t know it will harm our son [excuse-making].”
If you witness touch that seems inappropriate for your child, but you feel a sense of guilt that your perception may be inaccurate [refusal to accept one’s perception], trust yourself.
Last, but not least, no matter how confident you are in your ability to detect a sex offender, you need to take a final precaution. Periodically check on your child when anyone is with him or her. If your spouse is dressing, bathing or putting your child to bed, casually enter the room. Note whether your spouse acts surprised, caught off guard or generally uneasy that you entered the room unannounced. Follow this procedure of unannounced visits, regardless of who is tending to your child at any time. Be alert for reactions of surprise, being caught of guard or general uneasiness in response to your presence. Most of all—trust your intuition.
Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, PhD, author, “If I’d Only Known…Sexual Abuse in or Out of the Family: A Guide to Prevention, specializes in: Mind, Body, Spirit healing and Physical/Sexual Abuse Prevention and Recovery. As an inspirational leader, Dr. Neddermeyer empowers people to view life’s challenges as an opportunity for Personal/Professional Growth and Spiritual Awakening. http://www.drdorothy.net