Relationship Advice: How to Change a Bad Pattern
By: Jeff Herring
Q: I’ve noticed a problem in my marriage. My husband and I used to be able to talk easily together. Over the last year and a half we seem to have the same conversation over and over, even about different things. I know what he is going to say and he thinks knows what I am going to say. What is happening here and what can we do about it?
A. You have a repeating pattern that runs all by itself.
When people have been together long enough, patterns or habits of behavior are formed. Sometimes good ones and sometimes not so good ones.
You are perceptive to notice that each of you can predict what the other will say and what will happen next. Think of it like ballroon dancing - all the steps are choreographed and predictable.
How to change the pattern
Don’t try to figure out how and why it got started. That’s not useful at this point.
What will you do about it now?
There are steps you can take to help change or break these patterns. You’ve already identified the pattern. The next step is to identify separately and together what you want to do differently.
Each of you needs to identify what positive contributions you can make to the conversation. For instance, do you need to really listen instead of just wait for your turn to talk?
Decide what outcome each of you want to achieve.
The most important part of breaking the pattern comes next. Pay attention until it becomes a positive pattern of its own - these kind of things tend to run just below the radar of conscious awareness.
You can make a game out of this. When you are talking and begin to slip into the old pattern, the first one to notice and call time out gets a back rub and a kiss and…
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