Relationship Advice: The No-Fault Spouse
By: Jeff Herring
It happened again today in my office.
A spouse complaining about how their partner will accept no responsibility for any of the struggles in the relationship. She brings an issue to him, and he turns it back on her, and
finds a way in which it is her fault.
It could be her bringing it to him, or him bringing it to her. The pattern is one person will never take responsibility for their own contribution to the struggles.
Are you a “teflon spouse?”
I call these folks “teflon spouses.” As in, nothing sticks to them. Remember how President Reagan was sometimes referred to as the “Teflon President?” This was because with all the stuff going on around him, nothing seemed to stick. Same thing here, but in a truly negative way.
Some folks are particularly gifted at making everything the fault of someone esle. When you bring a concern or complaint to these folks, they are skilled at turning it around and making it your problem.
The problem is that it does not match reality. In 25 years of doing couples therapy and coaching, I have never seen a situation where both people did not have their fingerprints on the mess. By definiion, both partners have their own contribution to the struggle.
Now in no way am I saying that you have to take the blame for everything to be a good spouse.
I am saying that you do have to take responsibility for your part in the relationship in order to be a good spouse.
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