Relationship Disasters: Are You Stuck In A Rut?
By: Claire Gaskin
With divorce statistics showing that one in three marriages fail, it would seem that many people have relationship disasters. Whilst on one hand this may be true, there is a big difference between having (a) one or more successful relationships over a long period of time and which eventually reach a natural end, and (b) a long series of short-lived relationships which always come to a premature end.
If you fall into this second category, you may be stuck in a ‘relationship pattern’ rut.
Taking a more detailed look at your past relationship disasters can give you the tools to help you break out of the rut and go on to have more rewarding, successful relationships.
First, distance yourself from the emotional memories of your previous partners and concentrate instead on their personalities. Write down some traits about them individually and then contrast and compare. Do your ex-partners share any particular characteristics?
Two common traits are:
- Aggressive people: always needing to be in charge of a given situation
- Passive people: looking for others to take control of everything
If your examination reveals a pattern of similar character traits between your ex-partners, you may well dismiss any significance as being simply typical of the type of person you are attracted to. But, a pattern like this is negative and suggests that it is likely to continue in exactly the same way.
Having identified a pattern, next ask yourself why you are attracted to this type of person. Specifically, what need do they fulfil in you?
Sometimes, we seek to find in others what we lack in ourselves. These needs are ‘negative needs’ and can be responsible for our relationship disasters; we are subconsciously attracted to the same people over and over again in order to avoid dealing with our own negative needs.
To use the examples of common traits above: if you generally end up with controlling people, it might reveal that you lack confidence and self-esteem. If you always seem to take control of everything, you may lack the trust to let others take charge.
Relationships built on satisfying your negative needs are heading for disaster. If all you are doing is avoiding making positive changes in yourself, you are not getting your ‘positive needs’ met. Some basic positive needs are: feeling loved, valued, respected and cared-for. Relationships built on these are the ones that last.
Now that you have worked out any negative needs your ex-partners met, you can take positive steps to address them. You might, for example, want to build your confidence and self-esteem or learn to trust letting other people take charge.
Discovering your negative needs and making positive changes are vital steps in breaking an established pattern.
Let’s look at those steps again:
- List personality traits of previous partners
- Compare and look for a pattern
- Identify what need in you was fulfilled
- Take steps to address negative needs
Not only will you be able to recognise if a familiar pattern looks set to begin again and avoid another relationship disaster, when you are no longer driven by your negative needs you will be open to meeting people that are right for you and you can finally step out of the rut and into a rewarding, successful relationship.
Claire Gaskin is a social researcher and co-founder of two successful dating sites: http://www.fetish-mate.com and http://www.music-mate.com