Relationship Leper
By: Laura McDonald
I was married the first time (ominous words…the first time) for 16 years. In retrospect, that marriage probably could have been saved if we’d utilized counseling and found some great relationship material which may have been published at the time. Ah well, hindsight.
During my dating stint post-divorce, some of which was internet contact, I communicated with an interesting and attractive man. Sooner than later, I learned that he’d been married, and divorced, 5 times. Warning, warning. DANGER, flailing my arms around in robotic pantomime. I ended that direction in short order. Obviously he wasn’t good relationship material.
I married again. That relationship of 6 years ended with his drug usage and an affair. Sometimes I can be surprisingly dumb for as smart as I am? HE only had one divorce behind him. Maybe I should have asked Mr. Fiver different questions.
Third marriage. And to my horror, THIRD DIVORCE.
I felt shellshocked. And terribly embarrassed. Memories of my fast judgement of Mr. Fiver came flooding back to me, how quickly I’d axed him without giving him a chance. With three divorces under my belt, I quailed at the thought of being similarly, and immediately, axed without a chance to prove my good character and relationship-worthiness. How terribly unfair that would be. Although I take at least half the responsibility of my first divorce, nos. 2 and 3 were more the other’s fault by a landslide. (We’ll ignore the fact that I did waltz myself into those relationships, shall we? That’s a topic for a different article!)
I had mental images of “go-see’s” in front of potential dates. “I’ve been divorced three times,” I imagined myself declaring, and then coughing up their dust as they ran for the hills. Frankly, I wouldn’t have blamed them.
Now perhaps I just hadn’t quite hit the buzzer mark for interested suitors. Or perhaps there was something they saw in me that made them decide to explore further upon hearing those dreaded words - I spilled them as quickly as I could reasonably bring it up in a conversation: HiMyNameIsLauraI’veBeenDivorcedThreeTimesAndYou? Ahem. Whatever it was, I found that no one screamed “Exit, stage left!” and left me standing next to a little poof of smoke. Maybe they were shellshocked too, and unable to move?
Actually, they asked pertinent questions regarding my divorces and listened to my explanations. I was very upfront with them concerning what I felt my part was in the marriage demises, minus the ad nauseum. I also shared in a general way what I had learned. Dating excursions thus continued for awhile, with me feeling comfortable that I wasn’t dismissed as a relationship leper!
Ever feel like you’re a relationship leper? Have you learned from past mistakes and able to articulate your past in a way that doesn’t frighten prospective dates?
Currently, my (third) ex-husband and I have reconciled, and we had our divorce annulled. It’s as if we were never divorced. I am very happy that we’ve resolved the problems that led up to our divorce…and relieved that my score card dropped back to 3-2. Upon that realization came the next one: time to retire my score card.
Laura McDonald lives in Frankfort, KY, with her husband Patrick. She is a paralegal. Laura’s interests include psychology, movies, music, and writing. She has created a website called The Third Wives Club, directed primarily to women married three or more times. You may visit her site at: http://www.freewebs.com/luckslec/