Responsibility and Accountability for A Cheating Spouse
By: Marilyn Barnicke Belleghem
The Supreme Court of Canada recently ruled that the emotional devastation brought on by a cheating husband can be factored into a wronged spouse’s ability to earn a livelihood and her need for ongoing spousal support.
When a couple marries they make a deal about the way they will live. The marriage vows they say create promises. As long as they keep their individual part of the commitment their relationship will continue in a functional way. When one spouse believes the other will provide for them financially while they take on the responsibility to create their home and perhaps raise their children, the homemaker relinquishes their ability to construct their own career and build financial security for themselves. By entering into this partnership the belief is that it will sustain them throughout their lives. Even if the homemaker chooses to return to the workforce, they can never rebuild what was left behind in the relationships and experience as the workforce changes and the skill sets that are required evolve. They are at a disadvantage.
When the one believed to be a life partner has an intimate emotional and/or physical relationship with someone who posed as a friend, the double betrayal can be immobilizing. Self doubt clouds logical thinking. How could I have trusted them? Anger and sadness replace trust and confidence. It can also be financially very frightening. Security is shattered and doubts surface about one’s ability to survive.
When a marriage ends some people cope, creating new ways to live, forming new relationships and are able to become financially self-sufficient. Others do not have the support, guidance, life skills and fortitude to recreate their lives.
Personal growth is a challenging process that many resist. Clinging to the known feels better than risking something new. Letting go of the old expectations can be difficult.
Dreaming new dreams and setting new goals is frightening when the basis of life had seemed so certain.
It is important to:
1. find hope that life will go on,
2. discover a new sense of Self,
3. learn new ways to communicate,
4. let go of old expectations,
5. work through to forgiveness,
6. understand what happened, and
7. accept personal responsibility for being part of the breakdown.
There is no such thing in my opinion, as no fault divorce. Both parties fail in some way to keep their marriage healthy. Both parties fail their children. There can be personal growth but there will always be memories. If the new life is better the past can be left behind as a learning experience. If the new life is disadvantaged, at a lower standard of living or a struggle to survive financially, triggers to old pain and a reopening of the thoughts and feelings that life once was very different, can keep the resentment alive.
Too often one partner is at a significant financial disadvantage due to the deal they made. It takes two to create a marriage but one person can break the deal rather than work to repair the relationship. When they choose to cheat on their vows their financial promises need to be kept.
Hurray for the Canadian Supreme Court in seeing some sense of accountability and responsibility placed on the husband who strayed. Let’s hope the wife is able to move forward through the process of healing.
Marilyn Barnicke Belleghem M.Ed., is a registered marriage and family therapist, clinical member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and author of books on personal growth through travel. Questing Marilyn: In Search of My Holy Grail (Quest Publishing Canada 2003) takes the reader through sacred and historic sites in England and Ireland and involves the search for the authentic adult Self. It explores: “Who am I when I am free to be my Self?” Questing France: Deepening the Search for My Holy Grail (2005) follows the process of holding onto the Self when in a marriage relationship. It explores flirtations, infidelity, qualities of a functional marriage as well as parenting children through marital conflict. Questing France explores: “Can I be me when I am with you?” and “Why do people stay in a marriage after an affair?” Read sample chapters, reviews and for ordering information visit http://www.questpublishing.ca