Separation And Divorce – Why?
By: Nathalie Himmelrich
‘He is not the man that I married’ she said.
He definitely has the same birth certificate, same name, almost same look as the man she married. So what is it she did not see when they got married – or did he have a twin brother?
In our personality structure we have different parts, like various people with their own characteristics living in the same body. This might sound strange in the first place but do you remember thinking: ‘One part of me wants to go to the movies, but another part would like to stay home and watch TV’? That is were you get an experience of your parts.
When a couple first gets together they usually spend a lot of time in their part of the ‘Pleaser’ or the ‘Romantic’. Later in the relationship the other parts start taking up residence, i.e. the ‘I-need-my-space’ or the ‘Lazy self’ (I can’t be bothered doing the dishes), and suddenly the majority of the person in no longer the one that you originally fell in love with.
Well, what to do then?
The first question to ask yourself is not what and who a person WAS but what and who a person IS in the moment. This can change every day, minute and even second. You will undoubtedly find changes and differences – the only constant in life. So how do you deal with them? Are you craving for someone who never changes? How about yourself? Are you interested in staying the same person for the rest of your life?
Richardson (1984, Family ties that bind) noted that no two people could have an intense, intimate relationship without discovering significant differences between them. This is normal. It is how we deal with those differences that create problems.
This is the core of conflicts in relationships, which may lead to separation and divorce. Differences exist everywhere. How we communicate and deal with them is the key to the success of any relationship.
Relationships, like other living structures, will not survive unless time and effort are invested in their care. The marital relationship is no exception, yet couples routinely ignore the need to nurture their marriages. It seems to be an automatic human reflex to expect one’s spouse to make one happy.
From this perspective it is extremely important that couples, realizing that they might not be able to deal with their differences alone, seek help. Family and Relationship Counselling should be taken into consideration before differences are too big to deal with. You might be an expert in ‘falling in love’, but how about your ‘ability to communicate in crisis’?
Invest your money in nurturing your relationship before you spend it on a divorce.
Nathalie Himmelrich is the founder of ‘Reach for the Sky Therapy’ and specialises in ‘relationship related issues’. She is working with individuals and couples using techniques ranging from Counselling, Neuro Linguistic Programming to Journey Therapy. She supports clients in their personal growth in a supportive and professional environment.