Stress Free Relationships
By: Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, PhD
People whom we choose to be close to are called our ‘family of choice,’ and these people have a strong impact on our lives. A ‘significant other’ knows us almost as well as we know ourself. Our respective ups and downs, joys and stresses profoundly affect both people. Sometime they will be the carrier of our stress and sometimes we will be the carrier of their stress.
Over time, extended family and friends move in and out of our lives leaving permanent imprints—both positive and negative—on each of us. Maintaining healthy relationships becomes a balancing act and takes considerable time.
A healthy relationship is complex and significantly personal and it is a challenge to view it objectively. All healthy relationships involve other people, but each person has their own point of view and ways of reacting to feelings or the travail, called life. Each person needs to accept that creating a healthy relationship is a 100% responsibility for each person. The blame game–”If it weren’t for him/her….”–never solved anything.
Heavy emotional issues in a relationship are stress producing because it causes one to feel threatened. One might need to make a change; one might feel out of control, and sometimes one’s expectations cannot be met the way one wants.
The key to healthy relationships is simple, but for most, difficult to the degree it is avoided—I speak of the act of discussing stressors with the other person and forgiving their transgression. These unaddressed issues are life stressors and happiness robbers. For instance, the time and energy it takes to nurse old grudges without forgiveness is formidable, because it creates tension and impacts everything in one’s life with a heavy cloud. People in healthy relationships readily bring issues of discomfort with each other into the open. Remember, people make mistakes.
“To err is human—to forgive is divine.” Alexander Pope
Relationships can be stress producing as well as rewarding. Feelings can be a curse or a blessing. Only robots are left unaffected by emotions within the relationship dance. All relationships, no matter how healthy, require skill and management. Each person needs to commit to creating a healthy relationship for oneself and the other. Win/win negotiation is a valuable skill in creating a healthy relationship. See: Everything-is-Negotiable-Including-Sex-Learn-to-Do-it-Well
It is important to pay attention to our own interactions to keep a healthy balance. Relationship inter-independency, boundary issues, limits and goal-setting are skills, we can master and use to eliminate unnecessary stress, rather than remaining victims of relationship stress.
Forgiving is for you, not for anyone else—paradoxically the outcome shifts the relationship to a healthier level. The fastest way to create change in our lives is to shift what we are doing—the other person is then obligated to shift as well—because we have changed–the other person can’t stop you from changing what you do or how you react. In that sense you are empowered to shift the relationship to a healthy level–provided that it is mutually beneficial.
Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, PhD, author, international speaker and inspirational leader specializes in: Mind, Body, Spirit healing and Physical/Sexual Abuse Prevention and Recovery. Dr. Neddermeyer empowers people to view life’s challenges as an opportunity for Personal/Professional Growth and Spiritual Awakening. http://www.drdorothy.net