Teen Dating Violence: So, He Hits You
By: Suzette Hinton
You’re so in love. He’s your boo. You walk hand in hand, talking about how lucky you both are to be together. You introduce one of your male friends to him. As you continue to walk, you notice that your boyfriend seems upset. He starts accusing you of flirting. You dismiss his argument as unreasonable and unfounded. He hits you.
The statistics of teen dating abuse are staggering. A study conducted in 2005 by Teenage Research Unlimited revealed that 1 in 3 teenagers reported knowing a friend or peer who has been hit, punched, kicked, slapped, choked or physically hurt by their partner. The age range of those most vulnerable to dating violence and sexual assault is age 16 – 24. I fear the numbers are climbing as victims are getting younger.
When asked why she allows herself to be victimized, a young girl often replies, “I love him,” “He apologized,” or “It really wasn’t that bad.” He may have convinced her that she was at fault. She may be afraid and fears further retaliation.
As a parent of a teenager, I find it so disheartening that our beautiful, maturing young ladies and young gentlemen are getting such a warped view of love and intimacy. One could easily point to the lyrics of popular music and the subliminal messages of seduction as they flash their bling-bling and dance in a sea of scantily-clad voluptuous women. Even movies starring teen idols perpetuate thug love as sexy and desirable. Those images may feed the problem, but they are not the problem. I believe that in the absence of Truth, the mind will accept a lie.
The purpose of this article is not to bash the abuser or the abused but to speak the Truth. Truth illuminates and exposes what’s hidden — the pain. Our children are in pain. I recall an interview that Oprah did with mothers who had killed their children. At the conclusion of the interview, one of the women said to her, “I can’t believe you don’t hate us.” With tears streaming down her face, Oprah answered, “This is the way you dealt with your pain. I chose a different way to deal with mine.” Our kids don’t know how to deal with their pain.
Unresolved pain distorts one’s view of oneself and others. Anger, in its many forms, is the smoke screen that hides the depth of one’s pain. Especially in relationships, you will bump up against someone’s pain. If you don’t understand, however, that you didn’t cause the pain, you’ll accept attacks. You may even think you understand your attacker in a way that no one else does. That is not Love.
LOVE DOES NOT HURT. Love doesn’t seek to inflict pain or put someone in harm’s way. In your humanity, you will do things wrong. You will make mistakes and make bad choices. But your boyfriend or girlfriend never ever has the right to punish you with words or fists. He or she might feel intense disappointment at your behavior. That’s okay and equally human. However, acts of retaliation, including more subtle forms of abuse, like the silent treatment or saying “nothing” when you know something’s wrong, is not acceptable and should not be tolerated.
Abuse results when an individual feels powerless. It is not the byproduct of overwhelming passion. If you feel threatened or insulted in a dating relationship, make it known. If your feelings aren’t honored, get out. If he tries to get you to disrespect your parents, get out. If he tries to isolate you from your friends and what is meaningful to you, get out. If he pressures you for sex, get out. If he uses drugs or engages in underage drinking, get out. If he shames you in front of peers, get out.
You teach people how to treat you and if you refuse to allow abuse, you’ll send a clear message that he’s got to be a gentleman to be with you. True power and control is standing up for yourself and accepting nothing less than his BEST treatment of you.
Suzette R. Hinton, SAC-I, Certified Life and Mentor Coach, Counselor and Mother. Graduate of CANA, Inc. (http://www.CoachingInstituteofNorthAmerica.com) and Founder of Purposeful Connections (http://www.purposefulconnections.com). Suzette believes that purpose is not only a destination but it is the energy that pushes us toward its fulfillment.