Ten Tips for Coping with People Who Go Silent
By: Rachel Green
1. Prevent silence by developing a safe environment:
Silence can occur when a person does not feel it is safe to speak out. Create an environment that invites participation and in which people feel comfortable to talk. An environment where people can talk, be listened to and understood - free of judgement, accusation, blame, belittling, derision or sarcasm. This may reduce the times they need to go silent.
2. Prevent silence by LISTENING and not jumping in:
Pause before responding and then respond by feeding back what you have understood. Listen rather than offering advice, solving the problem for them, intellectualising, ridiculing, disagreeing, pacifying, relating similar stories … and so on. Simply be there with them. This will make it feel safer so silence is not necessary.
3. When you are getting along talk about what happens:
When you are getting along talk about the silences that occur. Work out two strategies. Firstly, what you can do to help to stop silence from happening and secondly, ways that help dissolve silence when it does happen.
4. When someone is silent gently comment on what you’ve noticed:
Gently mention the silence. Without judgement or complaint comment on what you’ve noticed. For example, “I’ve noticed you are quiet at the moment, how are you feeling?” rather than a challenging question, “So what’s wrong with you?”
5. Ask: “how can I help”, or “what do you need?”
Don’t assume you know what silent people need, ask them. Ask the person how you can help or what he or she needs. For example, don’t automatically assume they want an arm around their shoulders, or a cup of tea or to talk about it. Don’t give advice or solve their problems unless you know that is what they want.
6. Provide options of 3 possibilities:
Provide different options of help. “Would you like me to leave you in peace, bring you a cup of tea or give you a hug?” This is different from saying, “Here have a cup of tea”. Don’t trap them into accepting something. Gentle suggestions can help them to respond.
7. If the person says something, ACCEPT it:
Accept what the person says. Don’t judge. Don’t tell them what to do. Don’t tell them to stop feeling like that. Don’t tell them they need to change. Don’t fire questions at them and don’t argue. For example, if they say, “I’m so worried about Billy” say, “so Billy being sick is getting you down?” or “Billy being sick is worrying”. This is instead of more judgemental responses, such as, “You know he is going to be alright”, “Silly thing”, “You should go and ask the Doctor how he is”, “Oh, is that all”, or “Why on earth are you worried about him?”
8. Go Slowly:
Go slowly and gently. Allow quiet between you, pause before responding, reflect. Go closer in stages, not all at once.
9. Speak Gently:
Speak with a softened, pleasant tone of voice, and a clear voice, with an easy rate of speech. Don’t speak in a harsh, tense, whiny or fast way. Sound quiet, calm and patient.
10. Don’t push for a response:
Don’t hound them for an explanation; if you do they may retreat even more. Be sympathetic. In a kindly, understanding, easy way be on their side and be interested in what is going on. Demonstrate an attitude of wanting to listen to them. Put aside your own issues for now.
Further information
Free newsletters are available including: “Managing people who go silent on you”:http://www.rachelgreen.com/reflections.html
Rachel Green, PO Box 344, Kelmscott, Western Australia 6991.
Phone: +61 8 9390 1188. Fax +61 8 9390 1199 Web site: http://www.rachelgreen.com
These tips are only general in nature and may not apply to all people, all cultures or all situations. While every care has been taken to ensure the tips are useful, no responsibility can be taken for the results gained from their implementation.
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