The World’s Biggest Jerk
By: Jeffrey Hauser
I’ve just watched another episode of “Dr. Phil” where another insensitive clod was cheating on his wife while she was caring for his three kids. He explained how he was feeling ‘neglected’ and the sex wasn’t the same anymore either. Really? What was she thinking putting the baby before him? Couldn’t the little sucker wait for her to satisfy her husband’s primal needs first, instead on crying to have his diaper changed or be fed? How insensitive of the newborn.
It’s not just on Dr. Phil. Cheating men are everywhere with all kinds of similar
reasons for committing adultery. A few that I can remember are:
(a) My wife doesn’t look like the hottie she was ten years ago – But you do?
(b) I need change of scenery – Then go on a vacation
(c) We don’t have enough sex – It takes two to tango.
(d) She spends too much time with the kids – And your responsibility is what
again?
(e) She’s gained weight – I suppose you’re the same trim stud as you always
were?
(f) We never talk anymore – Is your mouth sewn shut too?
(g) It just happened when we got a new secretary –And the new mailman’s off
limits?
(h) We met in a bar and I was drunk – When liquor’s involved, it’s always
acceptable.
(i) I don’t have an excuse: it just happened – Finally, an honest man.
Remember why you married in the first place. Wasn’t there something about
commitment and responsibility? I realize that many woman cheat on their husbands
and it works both ways. But this is about men. I’ve seen these great looking women
with these loser macho men that think they’re God’s gift to other ladies and
somehow deserve better. Well, I have a clue for them: they aren’t and don’t. Be
thankful for what you have and make it work. Most of these guys don’t realize how
lucky they are and how many other guys lust after their wives. But, instead, they go
trawling around after anything in a skirt, thinking that other woman can’t wait to be
hit on for a quicky.
These shallow men make us all look bad. There are either really stupid when it
comes to women or totally misguided. They don’t understand the consequences of
their actions and figure the whining bitch will always take them back when they
come limping home after a failed affair. After all, who else would want the old, fat,
kid-rearing, ex-hottie, that doesn’t talk much, always looks about the same, and
doesn’t even give BJ’s anymore? I wonder why not? Look what our man did to
deserve her affections before the affair.
If all of this is lost on the men reading this article, I have a final word of advice.
It’s rarely, if ever, worth a few minutes of sexual pleasure with a stranger when your
wife is more than willing to satisfy you. That is, if you are willing to do a minimal
amount of loving and caring for her. But if that’s too much to ask, then go right on
being the world’s biggest jerk.
Jeffrey Hauser was a sales consultant for the Bell System Yellow Pages for
nearly 25 years. He graduated from Pratt Institute with a BFA in Advertising
and has a Master’s Degree from Monmouth University. He had his own
advertising agency in Scottsdale, Arizona and ran a consulting and design
firm, ABC Advertising. He has authored 6 books and a novel, “Pursuit of the
Phoenix,” available at amazon.com. His latest book is, “Inside the Yellow
Pages.” Currently, he is the Marketing Director for http://www.thenurseschoice.com,
a Health Information and Doctor Referral site.