Things You Can Do When Dates Feel Like Interviews Or Auditioning For A Role In A Play
By: Christine Akiteng
If you’re reading this article, chances are you’ve had one of those experiences when you feel like you should just abandon dating altogether because you are sick and tired of being on the defensive MOST of the time, and at the edge of frustration ALL the time.
Today’s dating has become something like an interview or audition where you have to impress someone into liking you. Overanalyzing dates has become an obsession – and second nature for most people. A date starts really great, there is some chemistry going on and in the middle of it you start to feel the date slowly turning into an interview or audition of sorts. He or she is asking the questions and you are forced to give reasons as to why you’re a great catch. You feel like you’re present at your own autopsy: being ripped apart, exhaustively and critically examined and crudely sewn back together.
I have several friends and clients who have come from a date upset and discouraged because they meet men and women who overanalyze every word, every move and every single minute detail. I hear things like “I felt like one of those reality TV sitting ducks” or “It is like oh, cool… but simply not a good fit for the job” and “It was like an interview, except I feel like I do better in interviews”.
You may be a terrific person and all, but experiences like this can shatter your nerves and reduce your self confidence. It’s difficult not to take it personally.
If you want to get serious about dating it’s time to turn things around.
1. Make dating a bond-forming ritual not an exchange of factual information or opportunity for bragging. Most people find it disturbing when on the first date you want to know their daily schedule, social security number or other assorted facts that strangers aren’t usually supposed to know about them. Steer the conversation way from talking about your job, successes, property, admirers etc to topics that are about who you are (or they are), interests or opinions, what things or people inspire you/them and why etc. People bond faster when they can relate to something the other is talking about or something that seems similar. Create kinship through sensitive jokes, playfulness, teasing, touching and sometimes being downright silly. Keep in mind that all these can be culturally sensitive…
2. Do more listening than talking. My male clients when I tell them to “listen more and talk less” tell me they worry that if they don’t get to talk about themselves “how will she know that I am not some unemployed loser. Women want men with money and if I got some, she’s got to know.” And I can understand wby they’d think like that but there is a difference between sharing and bragging, and I happen to know that women like men who can “share’ rather than “brag”. And if you play your cards right during the first few conversations or dates, you’ll have plenty of time later on to “show” the money. But if money is all you got to impress a woman, man, you are in for some real gold digging.
3. Do something fun together instead of just sitting and talking. It’s when you are both having fun and not trying to be “logical” that you really get to see what they are like, and where they really get to know you as well. This also gives you an opportunity to become more comfortable around them - which will be very important later on.
4. Balance the experience – light and fun/serious and goal focused. If someone is being all fun or all too serious you might just have to be honest and politely tell him or her. Of course you’ll scare away some “all day is play day” or piss off some high-strung man or woman - good for you…
5. Don’t rush things. Sometimes you’ll meet and discover an instant chemistry; other times, one or both of you might decide (at least temporarily) that it’s best if you are just friends. If you can keep your cool, they will respect you for it - especially if they are female. If he or she turns you down, accept it, don’t stare at him or her in shock or look like you’re about to burst into tears. I know it’s not much to go on, but que sera, sera - whatever will be, will be. Accept it. Move on.
6. Lastly follow your gut feeling. If he sounds like a jerk or wimp chances are he is. If she sounds like a gold digger or has too much baggage chances are she does.
My website has lots more advice on the ingenuity of creating the “click” with the opposite sex. Once you can identify what is about you that promises enjoyment, excitement, arousal and nurturance or some reward related to personal expansion, you’ll have found the secret of creating a connection that will make both of you feel loved, wanted, desired and fulfilled.
About the Author: Christine Akiteng, Sexual Confidence/Dating Coach and author of ebook: The Art Of Seducing Out Of Fullness™ is internationally renowned for her UNIQUE and genuinely insightful outlook to what love is really about, what is there to learn about who we really are and what we can expect from our sexual relations. Her very powerful and practical “Fullness Approach™” to dating and relationships and strong emphasis on “you don’t need to attract many men/Women, just the RIGHT ONE” has helped many single men and women develop greater capacity to attract the RIGHT man or woman and create fulfilling relationships…
Christine’s websites: http://www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com and http://www.theartofseducingoutoffullness.com