To Apologize or Not to Apologize…That is the Question
By: Ammar Ahmad
We don’t like to say it and we don’t always mean it, but despite
the oft-quoted promise from the movie, love DOES mean saying
you’re sorry. Unfortunately the idea seems to have hung around
long since the movie was put back on the shelf.
Is it a statement about society in general that we question the
need to apologize even in our closest relationships? If saying
sorry exposes us to confrontation or scrutiny, shouldn’t we be
willing to accept that from our loved ones?
If people feel that saying sorry diminishes the respect they
receive from others, or brings their judgment (and their
intelligence) into question - what kind of people CAN apologize
freely? Can we expect it?
Perhaps the answer lies deeper than a person’s perception of how
they’ll be viewed. What are the reasons for apologies?
Dr. Aaron Lazare gives his opinion on the motives for apologies
in the article ‘Go Ahead, Say Your Sorry’ published by Psychology
Today. He suggests the two positive reasons we apologize include
the desire to restore or salvage a relationship and/or a deep
seated empathy in which your apology may relieve or diminish the
pain you’ve caused.
The less admirable reasons for an apology he identifies include
the desire to escape punishment or the need to clear a guilty
conscience - whether the other party was offended or not.
Clearly the first two reasons for apologizing make great claims
towards creating happy, healthy relationships. Whether we are
brought up to believe in admitting our guilt or not, taking a
humble view of ourselves in order to benefit a relationship or an
individual whom we’ve hurt is crucial in maintaining respect for
one another.
While some individuals may not demand apologies from their
partners, perhaps because they also believe it should not be
required, there is a loss of respect between the couple when an
apology is left unsaid. The offended has not had their pain
acknowledged by the one they love. The offender now lives with
the guilt or may start to believe their partner is not worthy of
such acknowledgement.
In either case, the relationship suffers. On the other hand,
frequent offenders may be too eager to apologize. Their constant
display of humility forces the offended partner to accept
behavior that should be questioned or challenged regardless of
the appearance of repentance.
Accepting each other, faults and all, is a big part of a loving
and enjoyable relationship. Not keeping tally of mistakes or
judging weaknesses has its place, but a willingness to apologize
for lapses of responsibility or good judgment will strengthen,
rather than weaken, the bonds of a healthy relationship.
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