Love Society

By: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

Vanessa, 30 years old, is struggling with whether or not to end her six-
year marriage. The answer is not at all clear to her.

Vanessa and Jon have a “good” marriage. They are kind and caring
with each other. They enjoy many of the same things. So why is
Vanessa in such turmoil over whether to stay or leave?

The problem is that Vanessa is very lonely with Jon. They are good
friends, but they are not emotionally intimate. Jon has no desire to share
any of his feelings with Vanessa, nor does he have any desire to
understand Vanessa’s feelings. He is content to keep everything on the
surface, while Vanessa wants a deeper emotional connection.

Since they have many good things in their marriage, Vanessa has
decided to try marriage counseling, and Jon has agreed. Counseling or
not, there is only one thing that can save this marriage – Jon and
Vanessa shifting out of their intent to protect against pain and into an
intent to learn about what is loving to themselves and each other.

Jon’s intent has always been to protect against pain rather than to learn
about being loving to himself and others. He has done this by numbing
out his feeling with marijuana and work. Jon’s choice to continue to
protect against pain or to begin to open to learning from his feelings will
determine the outcome of the counseling.

Vanessa, too, has operated with the intent to protect against pain. She
has ignored her own feelings and been a “good” wife, submerging her
own needs to comply with what Jon wanted. But at some point, she
shifted her intent to learning about what is loving to herself, and now she
realizes she cannot continue in an emotionally disconnected marriage.

The issues in your relationship may be about emotional distance, lack of
passion, sexual problems, constant fighting, emotional abuse, (if there is
physical abuse, then you must find a way to leave), or being used
financially. There may be control and resistance occurring around many
different issues. Yet the underlying issue is a lack of open and caring
communication. And open communication only occurs when both
people have a deep intention to learn about their feelings, fears, limiting
beliefs, and resulting unloving behavior. If one or both people in a
relationship are closed to learning about themselves and each other,
the relationship will not heal.

If you are thinking about leaving your relationship, first think about your
own intent. Are you open to learning about your feelings, beliefs and
behavior? Or, are you devoted to protecting against pain with anger,
withdrawal, resistance or caretaking? Are you avoiding your feelings
with substances and activities, or are you opening to learning from your
feelings and exploring yourself with a process such as the Inner
Bonding process that we teach? The first thing you need to do is deal
with your own intent.

Once you are open to learning for a number of months, and really doing
your inner work, then re-evaluate your relationship. Has anything
changed? Is your partner more or less open to you? Are you talking
more and fighting or withdrawing less?

If things are not getting better or are getting worse, then it is time to ask
your partner if he or she is willing to do some healing work with you –
through counseling, workshops, and reading books together. If your
partner refuses to embark on a learning journey with you, then it is clear
that this relationship will not change. At this point, you need to either
fully accept it as it is or leave it. It will not become the relationship you
want it to be unless both of you are open to learning.

If one or both partners remain in the intent to protect, the relationship will
not heal. Yet most relationships can be healed when both people are
deeply devoted to learning about loving themselves and each other.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight
books, including “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?” and
“Healing Your Aloneness.” She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner
Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site
for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her
at margaret@innerbonding.com Phone Sessions Available.

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By: Ineke Van Lint

You’re wondering if you want to stay with your partner. You feel lonely, misunderstood, frustrated, and you’re not sure how to change that. His behavior confuses you. Most of the time he’s angry, but sometimes he’s very kind. He doesn’t help you with the household very often, but this morning he did put the garbage out. He doesn’t seem to care much about your work, but yesterday he suddenly asked if you like your job. He’s always out with his friends, but now he surprised you with a romantic dinner.

You’re trying hard to figure out whether it’s better to stay or to leave, but you’re not making any progress. The more you think about it, the more confused you are. You are losing sleep, and the sleep you do get is patchy and restless. You’re swinging back and forth between staying or leaving. One moment you’re convinced he’s a bad choice and you’d better leave him, but the next moment you get anxious and afraid that you won’t manage on your own. You are looking for reasons to stick it out, telling yourself that “it’s not that bad, he doesn’t drink, my sister’s husband is much worse,” or “I have to compromise, everybody has to bear his cross, perfect relationships don’t exist,” and so on.

These one-liners won’t help you out, not even a tiny bit, and neither will all of your friends’ opinions. Every friend you share your problem with will offer you their own particular piece of advice, according to his or her current situation and belief system.

You are at a loss. What to do? Where to turn? Your head can’t help you because, as a logical executive, your brain is not equipped to resolve problems of the heart. Your brain can’t get you out of this terrible gridlock, simply because it’s a heart matter. You won’t need your brain functions until after having come to a decision.

How can you hear what your heart is telling you? How can you be sure you’re making the right decision? Follow the advice below and find out!

Rather than focusing on your problems, instead focus on your mission on Earth. Rather than obsessing over your relationship and desperately trying to find a solution, instead concentrate on yourself and on the reason of your being here on Earth. Occupy yourself with your life goals. You don’t have any? Then setting up your goals will be the first step to take! You don’t know what you are living for? Then this will be your first priority: to find out who you are, why you are here and what your specific mission here on earth is about.

Focus on yourself and your mission. If you are not clear about your mission here on Earth, then start by actively searching for your purpose. Find out! Grab a book or an Internet course and discover your reason of being on Earth here and now.

You already know your mission? Then increase the focus on your personal goals and do all it takes to achieve them. You don’t know how to do this? Learn it! There are plenty of courses available on the Internet or in any library, that will guide you step by step towards the realization of your dreams.

So stop focusing on your relationship, stop driving yourself crazy running around in circles and get to work at what really matters in life: you, your mission, your passion, your specific talents and what you came here to do. I can assure you that as you focus on what really matters, very soon you will acquire a new, clear perspective on everything in your life, including your relationship.

A good relationship is one that supports you in the pursuit of your mission and dreams. A bad relationship is one that disregards your dreams, keeps you from them, or laughs at you when you set out to achieve your goals.

Don’t focus on your partner or your problems. Focus on your talents, discover them, develop them, and offer them to the world. Let’s say you are wondering whether you will stay with your partner. Well, instead of torturing yourself with this question, ask yourself what you are here for, and find that out first! What excites you? What did you like to do as a child? What gives you an energy boost? Which activity feels natural to you? What is it that you accomplish without effort? Go do it! Attend workshops that further develop your talents. Become an expert in what you are already good at. If you don’t know what that is, then now is the time to go find out!

Focus on your mission and see what happens to your relationship. A good relationship will help you on your way. A bad relationship will try to hold you back. See what happens and make your decision.

Written by Ineke. Join the enthusiastics on this planet! Go to http://www.theenthusiasm.com and do the absolutely-to-do-once-in-your-life program to discover who you are and to learn to say yes to yourself! Find your passion and create your very own success! Reward: an everlasting enthusiasm! Two free e-courses offered!

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