Top Ten Tips For Mending Your Relationship
By: Annie Kaszina
1. Take responsibility for your own actions. There is nothing more guaranteed to prolong conflict than excuses of the type: “If you hadn’t done X, then I wouldn’t have done Y.” If you own your own stuff, then you leave your partner free to do the same.
2. Apologise at the first possible opportunity. The “S” word, sincerely used, has almost magical properties. There are no prizes for never being the first to say you’re sorry. It doesn’t make you look strong. Failure to make sincere apologies will damage your relationship.
3 Listen. Instead of trying to justify your behaviour, make the effort to listen in respectful silence. Hear your partner out without butting in with excuses, counter accusations. Yes, you might be worried about what you will hear, but if you don’t add fuel to the fire with ill chosen words, your partner’s sense of grievance will subside much more quickly.
4. Talk about your feelings, not their behaviours. If you stick with “I” statements, rather you than “you” statements, your partner won’t feel criticized and will be far more likely to empathise with you. Doing this creates a safe dialogue.
5. Practise taking time out. Damaging words and behaviours happen in the heat of the moment. Learn to right walk away from an argument and simply breathe for 5-10 minutes, when you feel you are getting angry. Better still, choose a word or phrase that you and your partner can use as a signal meaning “time out”. Honour it.
6. Agree to timetable quality time together each week and prioritize that time. Relationships need nurturing. You have to lavish time and care on your relationship - and each other - if you want it to thrive.
7 .Make time to tell your partner how special he or she is. Be as specific as you can be about what makes him or her special and why it means so much to you. Not only will you both become more aware of your partner’s specialness, but in time he/she will probably say the same kind of things back to you.
8. Tell your partner how much you love him or her. Do that at least on a daily basis. You can use notes, cards, quotes etc. to reinforce the idea. Never assume that he/she doesn’t need to be told, or doesn’t like to hear, all the things that you love about him/her.
9. Hug your partner daily. Virginia Satir said: “We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.” Why not go for growth?
10. Share. Share laughter and joy daily. Make a conscious decision to share your wins and rejoice in theirs. What you focus on increases, so focus on what is great about the relationship and great about your life together and it will keep on getting better.
Dr Annie Kaszina, Ph.D., NLP Master Practitioner and Relationship Coach
Annie Kaszina is a writer, motivational speaker and relationship coach who helps people establish strong boundaries and create the loving, supportive relationships they want in their life.
Annie is the author of “The Woman You Want To Be”, a ground breaking book for women who want to heal from the trauma of an abusive relationship, and “How To Say No And Still Feel Good About Yourself”, an inspirational work-book for recovering People Pleasers. To find out more, go to http://www.joyfulcoaching.com You can email Annie at: annie@joyfulcoaching.com
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