Toxic Communication - An Example of the Cycle of Conflict in Relationships
By: Glenn Cohen
Do you have toxic communication in your relationship? This is an example of how someone would explain to their partner how the dynamics of their communication concerning their relationship problem played out. The conversation would start out like this.
I remember so many times when we would tell the other that we did not understand something that had happened or could not figure out the meaning of an action or word between us, that had caused so many of the problems.
I really believe it is because many times we would have already formed an opinion, perception or assumptions regarding certain situations. They were based on past experience and some were based on recent experiences. Back then, we both ruminated a lot and this caused those opinions, perceptions and assumptions to become very strongly embedded in our belief system.
It seems that the scenario would play out this way;
There would be a subject that would tap into the past or present experiences. This would bleed the fearful memory into the thought of the subject for one of us. It would then tap into one of the many emotions of anxiety, worry, loss of control, guilt, insecurity, abandonment etc. associated with that memory.
Then, I believe this would trigger us to ruminate on the subject. When we ruminate, we are not able to see past our fears and distinguish between past experience and/or present realities. We then develop the misperception and inaccurate assumptions about this certain subject and this would lead to the development of a negative wrong belief about the subject. The incorrect negative belief would be so strong and sensitive from the rumination, that we would be preoccupied by its thought. This would lead to a stronger negative belief and increased hyper-vigilance and acute sensitivity to the subject
The next step in the cycle is when we would discuss this situation and the non-sensitized person would try to give their take on the situation to the one with the belief. When the reality did not match an erroneous negative belief held by the sensitized person, the ingredients were in place for volatility. This would lead to easily triggered reactions, emotional tension, and extreme anxiety, seething anger and then rages or withdrawal
The problem was we did not have the knowledge and strength to be honest with ourselves because we were so busy fighting to protect our incorrect negative belief.
In hind sight I believe the secret to stopping this toxic communication would have been for us to realize that it is all about
• Giving of ourselves and not taking
• Always be empathic and forgive
• Always love unconditionally
• If faced with a fear, share it safely and then walk through it
If only we could have had the help to see how we were casing so much pain and anguish during this cycle to each other, maybe we could have saved our relationship. We all make mistakes; hopefully we will learn from them so in the future we do not repeat them.
Isn’t this a sad and disappointing conversation? If you would like to find out how the Cycle works and how to resolve it, please read the article titled, “The Cycle of Conflict in Relationships.”
Glenn Cohen
©“I-TO-WE” Relationship Coaching© / www.i-to-we-relationship-coaching.com
To access more information about Glenn Cohen’s Co-Create a Conscious Relationship Program
or his book, The Journey from “I-TO-WE,” visit http://www.i-to-we-relationship-coaching.com