Turbo Charge Your Love Life: Exploration
By: Virginia Bola, PsyD
Same sex relationships aside, which have their own sources of wonder, the relationship between a man and a woman is so intriguing and amazing because we understand so little about the opposite sex.
A man hears about another man’s penis being cut off and goes into paroxysms of distress in empathy for the victim. Upon hearing the same news, most women simply wince but have no visceral reaction. A woman hears about a rape and reaches out to the victim in pain and empathy. Even the most non-violent and liberal male has a tendency to think that it’s no big deal: “Well, it’s not like she was killed or anything.”
The divide is that our experiences differ, our anatomies and our relationship with our physical attributes differ, and our perceptions of our interactions with the world differ. In a sexual sense, men give and women receive. In traditional societies, men act and women accept. Despite the rise of feminism and the cultural equality of women, many physiological disparities remain.
The strangeness of each other’s physical makeup is a significant portion of the tension aroused in a male-female relationship. The alien nature of the partner’s anatomy is an unending source of fascination and delight. Men can spend hours looking at their mate, or watching pornographic movies, in a total obsession with female attributes: breasts, vagina, clitoris, anus, and labia. A woman sees such body parts as something best hidden, despite the delight they may bring when aroused. Women are in awe of a man’s ability to wax and wane as his levels of desire change. A woman can seduce a man but rape is virtually impossible.
A woman worries about the size of her breasts whereas men accept a variety of sizes and shapes, all equally appealing. A man worries about the size of his penis whereas a woman is less concerned with size than how the appendage is used.
For two such different creatures to enter a permanent fulfilling relationship, a great deal of exploration is required, both in terms of understanding the other as well as understanding the self. Mutual exploration can become a vessel that explodes the level of intimacy enjoyed.
It starts with communication - the discussion of oneself and what is arousing on a personal level. Such an exchange of personal turn-ons can then evolve into the identification of what new techniques, positions, or approaches may be mutually exciting. Each partner may have very different ideas of what they would like to try.
In an atmosphere of trust and devotion, almost anything can be valuably experienced once. Try to work out a loose schedule that allows each partner to implement a new technique once in a while. Afterwards, a discussion of whether the new activity was satisfactory can ensue and the partners can decide whether to eliminate it, use it as an occasional change of pace, or incorporate it as part of their standard routine.
The key is to mutually accept the exploration, agree to honest feedback about its utility, and establish a standard of equality in the partners taking turns in suggesting new techniques with an acceptance by the other of implementation on a trial basis.
Because of the uniqueness of our physical attributes, what works for one may be counterproductive for the other. Just the exploration of new techniques, in itself, forces the partners to focus on their sexual activity and can generate a more intense intimacy because of that new awareness and concentration on the act of making love.
Dr. Bola is giving away complimentary copies of “Seven Super Simple Tips: Keep Your Sex Life Vibrant” from which this article is taken. To obtain your own copy, visit: http://www.graburl.com/x.php?1cu